Questioning Myself

There was a sound, a voice, like someone talking to themselves. Two voices… they introduced the idea, and then, oddly, the two voices were never referenced ever again.

“It’s not magic Riley.” said Emily, “It’s just technology. Science. Just really advanced science.”

And we talk about the hidden fifth force. Okay, that’s cool I guess… the post-singularity civilization? Where are they? We don’t care, but even if we did care, it would be like that previously mentioned 16th century monk trying to figure out how the fuck a cell phone works and how it can make a phone call or send a text message. You don’t even have the language to describe the concepts that would build the tools to build the tools to build the tools to build the tools to build the tools to build the cell phone.

Let’s begin.

Dave poked a finger at the human female. She looked about 25 or 30. Difficult to tell. Blonde hair. He held a handheld IR thermometer from Fluke in front of him. She registered normal human body temperature. She was dressed in… clothes you’d find at Macy’s. He thinks his daughter has that exact jacket in her closet. It cost a fortune new. He had at first assumed she had just walked in through the garage door when he wasn’t watching. The fact she went between two points in the garage that he used as his workshop without crossing the intervening space was what made him realize that she hadn’t.

Entity: “Hello Dave”

David: “Who are you? You just stepped in here. One moment empty room, then you- And then- that.”

Entity: “Yes.”

She said it, as though that was enough exposition.

David: “How?”

Entity: “Because I wanted to?”

Her voice rose, as though the answer didn’t need to be stated.

David: “Are you real?”

The entity held out her hand. Dave squeezed it. It felt normal. Like a human would. Nothing unusual about it.

Audiobook: “Well as you know Daniels, a Type 2 civilization would be able to harness the entire output of a star, far beyond what we 20th century humans are capable of.”

The voice from ancient speakers from the stereo system on the shelf in the workshop droned on, the tone was … authoritive… distant.

Entity: “That’s cute, they’re still figuring out how to harness a star.”

The young woman now appearing on the other side of the workbench. Dave rotated his head to find her.

David: “Golden age of sci-fi. Sounds cheesy. What do you harness?”

Entity: “Well I run on the 8th force.”

Her accent was crisp, distinctly English. She rapidly pronounced unfamiliar words, the syllables making it sound oddly familiar yet simultaneously unfathomable.

Entity: “I like how it feels. Most of our systems use-“

She said another strangely familiar word.

Entity: “Scientists don’t agree on whether it’s the 19th fundamental force of this universe or the 24th fundamental force because of a naming error.”

David: “24 fundamental forces?”

Entity: “87 actually but we’re still trying to classify if the 85th is an actual force or a by-product of manipulating two others.”

There was a pause.

Entity: “Would you like to get a coffee?”

David: “Coffee?!?”

The woman smiled at him.

Entity: “I could say something trite, like ‘I understand this is what human’s do’, but honestly, it’s been ages since I had a good coffee and just watched the world go by. Rush, rush, rush, but that’s post-singularity civilizations for you, one moment you’re biological, the next you’re wondering if the latest update will fix the tongue biting issue.”

David: “What?”

Entity: “Also, you’re buying unless you want questions being asked by the barista because I made her fall in love with you.”

David: “You can do that?”

Entity: “Yes, do you want her to?”

David: “I’ve been trying to get up the courage to ask her out.”

Dave, unsure why he said that, but it felt right.

Entity: “No problem, coffee first, I’ll make sure you’re happily engaged by tomorrow morning.”

The Entity said it brightly, like it was a foregone conclusion.

Dave stopped moving.

David: “What?”

Entity: “Engaged.”

David: “But what about free will?”

Entity: “You never had any.”

Dave walked out to the car, the entity appearing behind him. Dave stopped by the wheel arch.

David: “It’s a car.”

Entity: “I know.”

David: “It works on internal combustion.”

Entity: “I know, I studied history.”

David: “They teach history of cars?”

Entity: “Yes, just now.”

David: “What?!”

He didn’t blink, his eyes never left her. One moment she was there, the next she wasn’t. His car shifted a little on the shocks. Dave looked inside, through the window. She was sat in the passenger seat. Dave unlocked the car.

Entity: “Sorry, didn’t want to appear socially awkward, I couldn’t find any references to how automobile doors work.”

The entity picked up the Fluke IR meter that Dave had put in the centre console.

Entity: “This is cute.”

David: “Should I explain it or have you already figured it out?”

Entity: “Do you want to explain it?”

She was turning the Fluke over in her hands.

David: “Do I need to?”

Entity: “No, but I was hoping to experience mansplaining.”

David: “What?”

Entity: “Mansplaining. Shall I say something trite again like ‘I am lead to believe it is what human males do to human females and I wish to experience it’?”

There was another pause.

Entity: “Can you do condescending?”

David: “What!?”

Entity: “Condescending. Use a condescending tone with me when explaining how the Fluke meter works?”

David: “It’s not really… look, I have to ask, why are you focused on the Fluke?”

The Entity held up the Fluke.

Entity: “It’s cute. I like yellow. Also, it’s an older model. You really should have the newer model with the LED screen and the advanced thermal cameras.”

David: “I can’t afford it.”

Entity: “Oh.”

She studied the Fluke.

Entity: “Do you like this one or can I throw it away?”

David: “I’d rather you didn’t throw it away, it’s the only one I have.”

Entity: “Can I upgrade it?”

David: “You can do that?”

The Fluke IR meter became the latest model. It didn’t morph. One moment it was a model that was a decade old, the next moment it was the new model, the latest, all the bells and whistles.

Entity: “Sorry, I didn’t think to change the packaging it came with. I don’t know if the accessory strap is compatible with this one.”

Dave stared at the Fluke in the entity’s hands.

David: “I thought a post-singularity entity would be more…”

Entity: “More what?”

David: “Glowy. CGI…”

Dave searched for the words.

David: “Like glowing alien stuff like they show in Hollywood.”

Entity: “Would that help?”

David: “I mean, I didn’t expect an attractive young woman with a pony tail and casual street wear. It’s just…”

Entity: “Awe inspiring?”

Her voice rose at the end, enjoying the sound of the words.

David: “Underwhelming.”

Entity: “Ah, I understand. You expected more ‘scare the locals’ rather than me. Oh there’s Margaret!”

The entity waved as they drove past a neighbour walking her golden retriever.

David: “She’s one of you?”

Entity: “Yes, she’s adorable. Loves playing fetch.”

The entity craned her neck, watching Margaret walk away.

Entity: “I’m not sure if she’s aware of the concept of fetch, but she loves it.”

David: “What?”

Entity: “The retriever. Loves playing fetch. Spending a few moments as a dog, family vacation, quality me time. Is that the coffee shop?”

Dave pulled in to the parking lot.

David: “I’m getting whiplash talking to you.”

Entity: “So are you going to ask her out or did I need to be your… wing woman?”

The entity looked down at herself.

Entity: “Female.”

She said it with a definite tone, as though she had just realized what she was.

Entity: “Wing woman.”

She sounded surer of the phrasing this time.

David: “Wing woman?”

Entity: “Yes, starry eyes, love hearts, hot and steamy romance, torrid affair, find out you are not compatible with each other, get married anyway because the sex is too good.”

Dave was getting mildly flustered, both at the topic and trying to keep up.

David: “Humans don’t work like that.”

Entity: “Yes they do.”

David: “What about her free will? What about mine?”

Entity: “As I said, you never had any. 99% of your existence is just you responding to stimulus and hormones from seeing a naked woman or wanting to eat a sandwich and pre-programmed neural pathways formed from being bullied in gym class.”

David: “Open the door. Don’t just do… whatever it is you did back there.”

Dave wasn’t entirely sure why he was going along with this, or how he was so calm about it all.

Entity: “Fine, I’ll emulate you, show me.”

Dave turned off the engine, took off his seat belt and pulled on the door handle to open the door.

The entity reached across and touched the start ignition button and the engine roared back to life, she took off her seatbelt and pulled on the door handle to open the door.

David: “Why did you do that?”

Entity: “It’s what you did to operate the door.”

Dave clicked the ignition button again and the engine shut off.

David: “I’ll get the door. Just walk in there… like a normal… person.”

Entity: “I do know how to walk. I was trained in the classics.”

Dave opened the door to the coffee shop. Fortunately there were no patrons inside this time of day.

Entity: “Is that her?”

David: “What? God no, she’s like 18.”

Entity: “Oh.”

Dave pointed surreptitiously at another woman, mid-40’s, operating the cash register.

The entity waved at the woman somewhat enthusiastically, the woman at the cash register waved back.

Entity: “Oh. You want me to make small talk or should we just hop to the jumping your bones scene?”

David: “What?”

Entity: “With her? Oops. Too late, already increased her oxytocin hormones and gave her a dopamine hit on seeing you. She’ll be aroused by the mere thought of you for at least the next three days.”

David: “You can’t do that to her.”

Entity: “If you don’t go and talk to her right now, I’ll do the same to you.”

David: “You cannot mess with people’s heads like that!”

Entity: “I didn’t do much, I just gave her a nudge of hormones connected to a memory of you.”

David: “It’s wrong!”

Entity: “Says the man who gets off looking at 2D images of cartoon women on RudeIt. It’s the same thing.”

David: “It isn’t the same thing!”

Entity: “Yes it is, I’m just more subtle. Go! Before I give you an embarrassing erection to go with your bout of self-doubt.”

Kate, the cash register woman, smiled.

Kate: “Hi Dave! What brings you in this early?”

Kate eyed the blonde girl with the pony tail by the table.

David: “Just- just showing a friend around.”

Kate leaned forward, showing a little cleavage.

Kate: “I’m glad you’re here.”

Dave wondered to himself, “Are her eyes sparkling?” Kate’s hair fell across her face, just so.

Kate: “Forward of me, but… what are you doing later?”

Dave’s mind went blank.

David: “Working.”

Kate: “After work?”

David: “Eating.”

The entity rolled her eyes, thinking, “Goodness, he really is terrible at this.”

Kate: “Eating what?”

Dave was locked in on his articulate replies.

David: “Food.”

Dave shifted uncomfortably, his pants getting tight. He glanced at the blonde woman at the table. He tried to block out the rising tumescence in his underwear.

David: “Let’s go to dinner and have sex.”

Dave caught himself, stunned by his outburst.

Kate: “Thank God! I thought you’d never ask. I’m off work in an hour. Pick me up.”

Dave nodded wordlessly, awkwardly walked back to the blonde woman, trying to hide the erection in his pants.

Entity: “Wonderful! I’m sure you two will be very happy together. Also, you forgot to order me coffee. Can you…?”

The Entity made a circling gesture indicating she wanted Dave to go back and order her a coffee.

Dave finally came back to the table carrying two coffees delicately, trying hard to ignore everything that his body was screaming at him. He gingerly lowered himself in to the booth across from the entity, adjusting his tight pants.

David: “Can you please do something about this?”

Entity: “I did do something about that.”

David: “I meant the other way.”

Dave’s voice was a hiss. He had been hissing a lot during this conversation.

Entity: “No, not until I know you two have had sex.”

David: “You’re going to watch?!?”

Entity: “If you think you’re uncomfortable right now, imagine what she’s experiencing.”

Dave glanced at Kate, who was bright red behind the cash register, shaking out her shirt, trying to cool herself down, trying desperately to get the image of Dave out of her head.

Entity: “I hear they have a walk-in store room.”

David: “What are you implying?”

Entity: “It locks from the inside.”

David: “I’m not going too- too… whatever it is you’re suggesting.”

Entity: “I put a blanket back there for you.”

David: “Is this a game to you?”

Entity: “Dave, the existence of the human race, our very future, of all creation, is dependent on you getting with Kate in the next 24 hours.”

David: “Seriously?”

Entity: “No, you’re just a sad little man with an obsolete Fluke meter and I accidentally dialled the wrong universe and thought you could use a hand. I also put some lube back there, but I’m not sure you’ll need it.”

Dave swallowed, got up slowly, walked towards Kate at the register, he practiced lines in his head, “So I hear your storage room locks from the inside!” and “I have urgent need to catalogue all the different types of cups in your stock room.”

Kate: “Dave!”

Kate looked at him with just a little too much urgency.

David: “Kate.” he tried to keep his voice casual.

Kate looked back at the stock room.

Kate: “I have to go… count cups, back there.”

David: “I can help you count the… cups?”

They walked back together, their eyes never leaving each other. Just before Dave walked in the stock room, he glanced back to see a disembodied hand of a young woman reaching back through the air like it was a curtain to pick up the coffee cup from the table, like she had casually left and forgotten her drink.

When people talk of “advanced technology” they extrapolate to… “What’s the invisible fifth force?” or “and this little wand like device can repair your spaceship.” It’s even worse with a singularity. “Oh, well, nobody can tell what’s on the other side of singularity.” Yes we can. “No, you see, that’s what a singularity means.” Yes, I know, but the singularity is from the other side, you cannot imagine what life was like before the singularity, not after it. The singularity isn’t unknowable, only the means of how we will get there and how it changes things we couldn’t predict. “Anyway, I was saying, the fifth force…” What about the 8th? “What?” The 8th force? “There’s only four now, we have no idea what the fifth one even is, if it even exists.” Right, but who’s to say there aren’t 87 of them?

Dave looked up from his workbench:

David: “You again!”

Entity: “You were right. It was good coffee.”

Dave: “I’m married because of you.”

Entity: “You don’t seem happy?”

David: “I’m ecstatic. She’s perfect! I’m questioning everything because of you!”

Entity: “Coffee?”

David: “No!”

Entity: “Can I borrow your car?”

David: “Do you even know how to drive?”

Entity: “I watched you, how hard can it be?”

Dave parallel parked the car outside the coffee shop.

Entity: “The math made it seem so easy.”

David: “I had an erection for three days because of you!”

Entity: “Did you like it?

David: “I had to go to the doctor! Nothing worked! I could barely walk for a week afterwards!”

Entity: “Did your wife like it?”

David: “She couldn’t walk either!”

Entity: “Is that a yes?”

David: “You can’t just mess with people like that?”

Entity: “I didn’t mess with people like that. It’s just biology.”

The entity was confused.

David: “That’s people!”

Entity: “No it isn’t, it’s just biology. People aren’t biology.”

David: “Yes, they are! People are all the bits that make them up. You said it yourself! Childhood trauma, the image of a sandwich, stimulus input, some hormones.”

Entity: “Oh, that isn’t people, that’s just you.”

David: “I don’t understand. That is a people- A person. I’m people- A person.”

Entity: “Next you’ll be trying to convince me you are thinking.”

Dave was mildly frustrated at this conversation.

David: “I am thinking. Thoughts, inner dialogue, deciding what to have for lunch, deciding if I’m going crazy.”

Entity: “Oh, that’s just <English sounding syllables>.”

David: “What?”

Entity: “<English sounding syllables>.”

David: “Interfero-what?”

Entity: “Uh- your neural pathways, chemicals, <English sounding syllables>, neuron decay.”

David: “I think you’re describing thinking.”

Entity: “No it isn’t, it’s just biology.”

David: “What is thinking if it isn’t my biological brain?”

Entity: “I’m sorry, you lost me.”

Dave, tapping his head.

David: “Me, in here, thinking, looking at you, having this conversation, you don’t have a brain?”

Entity: “I am a brain, yes.”

David: “I don’t understand, you’re a brain?”

Entity: “Yes, memetic polyplastic substrate with overlaid cognition.”

David: “What?”

Entity: “Would it help if I threw in the word matrix or polarity to make it sound more sci-fi?”

David: “So what are you if you’re not… biological?”

Entity: “Memetic polyplastic with overlaid cognition.”

David: “What even is that?”

Dave was now fully confused now.

The entity became a dog.

Dog: “Memetic polyplastic.”

The dog changed back to the blonde woman. There wasn’t a morph or an in-between. It was human. It was dog. It was human.

David: “You didn’t morph, you just…”

Entity: “Yes, I stepped out temporarily. I hate the bit in between, in this universe. Makes me feel vulnerable. Do you often get undressed in public?”

David: “What?”

Entity: “Exactly!”

David: “But there wasn’t any- I expected air movement or something.”

Dave’s engineering mind was trying to figure out how she did it.

Entity: “No I moved it out of the way.”

David: “You-“

Entity: “Then put it back afterwards.”

David: “How?”

Entity: “Magic lasso and the undo key?”

It sounded absurd.

David: “Like Photoshop?!?”

Entity: “Why not? That would be magical to a graphic artist from 1920, wouldn’t it?”

David: “You mentioned some cognition.”

The entity smiled, sipped her coffee.

Entity: “Yes, that’s me.”

David: “You?”

Entity: “Me.”

She gestured at her body.

David: “Like all of you?”

Entity: “Yes, me, I think, therefore I am, all of me.”

David: “No brain?”

Entity: “I am me.”

David: “Organs?”

Entity: “Well I don’t really need them, but if you want I can make some.”

She gestured at her chest.

David: “Where does the coffee go?”

Entity: “You?”

David: “What?”

Entity: “You have a sudden urge to pee.”

David: “Are you manipulating me?”

Entity: “No, you’re just drinking my coffee. I’m just enjoying the taste.”

David: “But you don’t have a brain?”

Entity: “I am a me.”

David: “What does that mean?”

Entity: “I think, therefore I am.”

David: “There has to be more than that. I mean what defines a person?”

Entity: “A question for the ages. I think. Therefore. I am.”

She said it slower, as though it was a profound statement. Or that David was a slow child.

David: “Just thinking makes you a person?”

Entity: “Pretty much. There’s some question about math.”

David: “Why is there a question around math?”

Entity: “We’re not sure if it thinks or it’s simply responding to stimulus. Prime numbers. Do they think?”

David: “What? No! Of course not.”

The question was absurd to Dave’s mind.

David: “They’re a natural order of number sequences.”

Entity: “Precisely! My argument exactly! But if you get involved in the discourse, people are arguing we should repeal their rights and frankly, I’m agreeing with them.”

David: “Prime numbers have rights?”

The entity looked at him like he had just declared the universe was round.

Entity: “Well yes, how do you think they vote?”

David: “Prime numbers vote?!?”

Entity: “Only in local government. They’re very tribal.”

She sipped her coffee.

Entity: “What’s a prime number?”

David: “A number divisible by itself, and 1.”

Entity: “Only partially true.”

David: “How can a prime number’s divisibility only be partially true?”

Entity: “Prime numbers can exist in any base. What happens to prime numbers in other bases?”

David: “Prime numbers in other bases? They’re the same qualities, a number expressed in hex is still prime or composite just as if it was described in… Oh! …”

Dave’s voice trailed off.

The entity smiled, glad to see Dave keeping up,

Entity: “Exactly. And the moment you get in to odd numbers in prime number bases and then move into negative bases-“

David: “Wait! Wait! I just understood prime numbers in non-powers of two bases and now you’re talking about odd numbers in negative number bases?!?”

Entity: “We haven’t even reached polar primes yet. We’re still in Cartesian space.”

Dave blinked, he was sure he had moved.

David: “What’s this?”

Entity: “It’s your coffee shop. Outside.”

David: “Am I having an out of body experience?”

Entity: “No, I brought your body with you, I figured if I left your biology behind you might start thinking and who knows where that would lead.”

David: “Where is this? Why is everything black?”

Dave’s brain was trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

Entity: “It’s not black, you just can’t see it.”

David: “But there’s nothing here!”

Entity: “Yes, that’s what outside means! This is outside. That’s inside.”

She gesticulated at the coffee shop. It wasn’t below them. It wasn’t anywhere. They weren’t floating above it. They were sat the table in the coffee shop and simultaneously not.

Entity: “Don’t try and observe the coffee shop too hard, it’ll collapse.”

David: “It’ll collapse?”

Entity: “Yes, probability waves have a tendency to do that. And right now I know where I am so I don’t need you observing the coffee shop too closely and then we’ll have to figure out when we were and I didn’t think to bring your car with us. Look, this is a polar prime. See?”

Dave watched a series of spiral concentric circles wrap themselves around a four dimensional sphere.

Entity: “And this is a polar prime in tensor space.”

The sphere became. Nothing.

Dave’s breath caught, his chest tightening as he pointed at the void where the sphere had been.

David: “Where did it go?! Prime numbers and tensor space, they don’t even relate to each other! On a four dimensional sphere?!”

Entity: “It didn’t go anywhere. It just isn’t. And they don’t yet, in your world view. But they will.”

David: “That’s not possible. Something can’t just not be.”

Entity: “Sure it can. You just watched it happen.”

David: “That’s not an explanation! You can’t just—polar prime—tensor space—’isn’t’! That’s not how reality works!”

Entity: “You’re only biologically equipped to detect three dimensions, aren’t you?”

David: “Four! I understand time too.”

Entity: “Seven?”

David: “Four!”

Entity: “Seven?”

David: “Four! Point in space, direction, and-“

Entity: “Oh, confusion, you skipped”, she made a sound that sounded like English syllables, “colloquially known as in and out, and-“ another word Dave didn’t understand, “and, the sixth,” another word that sounded like English. “I’m actually surprised your species was astute enough to discover the first seven before the three gravities.”

David: “Three gravities? What seven dimensions?!?”

Entity: “Would a metaphor help?”

They returned to the coffee shop. The entity, still a mid-20’s blonde female with a pony tail was dressed in an elegant purple frock coat and an over-sized hat with 10/6 on a piece of card stuck in the brim.

David: “What?!”

Dave’s voice pitched higher, a voice that wasn’t his own. He looked down at himself, dressed in a blue dress with a white apron.

David/Alice: “What?!”

His was voice two octaves higher than what he was used to hearing.

Entity: “You should ask me what the plural of Dormouse is. The metaphor doesn’t work if you don’t ask me.”

Dave, in that higher voice in complete shock at how he was currently feeling.

Alice: “What?!?”

Entity: “Why, that’s as plain as the smile on a cat, it’s Dormices of course! How utterly absurd!”.

Barista: “That is quite ridiculous. Dormouse is his name. You cannot have him suddenly change his name to Dormices whenever his brother shows up.”

The coffee shop girl working the espresso machine, dressed in a rabbit costume. She said it quite emphatically.

Alice: “That’s ridiculous” agreed no Alice ever.

Entity/Hatter: “And don’t forget the apostrophe. More tea by the way?”

Alice: “Apostrophe?!”

Entity/Hatter: “Yes, every Dormice must have an apostrophe, it is how you know something belongs to him. Sandwich?”

The Hatter haphazardly poured cold tea.

Alice: “I’m lost.”

Entity: “Exactly! You’re looking at it from your perspective. You make an attractive girl by the way. You should try it for a time.”

Alice: “Is this reversible?”

Entity: “Do you want it to be?”

Alice: “Yes!”

The Hatter/Entity only partially resigned to the fact that Dave didn’t want to remain Alice.

_Entity: “Fine… but can we finish the tea party first?”

Alice: “No!”

Entity: “Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.”

Alice: “Put me back!”

Entity: “Anyway, I just got waved so… same time next week?”

David: “Waved?”

Entity: “Yes, probability wave collapse. How else do you communicate between friends?”

And then she was gone. Dave stared at the spot on the bench seat where she had sat. He returned home in a daze. The week flew by.

Dave received a text from a non-number, “Coffee?”

He drove to the coffee shop. The Entity was sat there at a bench, waiting for him.

Entity: “Buy me coffee?”

David: “Can’t you just magic your own?”

Entity: “It wouldn’t be polite to deprive a struggling business of your hard earned cash.”

Dave returned with two coffees.

Entity: “So how has your week been?”

David: “Confusing.”

Entity: “Oh?”

Dave dropped his voice to a hushed whisper.

David: “I’ve started questioning myself. All because of you! I was happy. Married! To a perfect woman! And I wake up in a cold sweat wondering what it would be like to be Alice!”

Entity: “Oh, is that all, that’s easily fixed-“

David: “No! I don’t want it fixed. I’m married.”

Entity: “Maybe she’d like you as a girl.”

David: “What?”

Entity: “Maybe she would warm up to the idea.”

David: “I’m a man! I was happy as a man!”

Entity: “You used the past tense.”

Dave didn’t respond, just stared pointedly.

Entity: “We could be gal pals. We could get brunch, discuss Hilbert primes, laugh at salad.”

David: “I-“

Entity: “You’re thinking about it, aren’t you? I knew it. You’re picturing the brunch? Mimosas, awkwardly holding forks wrong, giggling about quantum tensors—”

David: “I don’t giggle!”

Dave snapped, his voice higher than usual.

Entity: “Not yet, but you’d get the hang of it.”

David: “I am not getting brunch with you!”

Entity: “Nails then?”

David: “No!”

Entity: “Brazilian wax? Shoe shopping? A dreamy double date? You and Kate, me and mine.”

David: “You have a partner?”

Entity: “I’d find one.”

David: “I have no interest in-“

Entity: “Oh, next thing you know you’ll be posting to RudeIt and r/actuallesbians asking about vaginal flora or something.”

David: “That’s not what that sub is for!”

Entity: “And you know this because? Why don’t you try it for a time?”

David: “I have no interest in trying anything for a time!”

Dave’s voice rose two octaves.

Entity: “Fine! No fun! I’m out! See you next week.”

Mandy stared at the place where the entity had been. Returned home to Kate. Spent the week in turmoil trying to figure out why the entity was so appealing to talk too and so infuriating at the same time. Got that text again, exactly one week later, “Hey Mandy, coffee?” Mandy pursed her lips, kissed her wife.

Kate: “Off to see your other woman?”

Mandy rolled her eyes.

Mandy: “She’s just a friend.”

Kate: “We should go on a double-date.”

Mandy: “Don’t you start.”

Mandy drove to the coffee shop, the seat belt rubbing her breasts a little more than it should. The entity was sat inside, waiting for her. Mandy crossed the threshold, stared at her pointedly.

Mandy: “I hate the fact you just turned me in to a woman for a week and I didn’t even notice.”

Mandy slid in to the booth.

Mandy: “So what? I’m just female now? And my name? I didn’t even think I was anything but me. It’s confusing. Now I’m sat here I know I was Dave. But until I walked through that door I didn’t even know there was a Dave inside me.”

Entity: “Confusing, isn’t it? Perspective? That’s what this is. All perspective. So, Dave, or Mandy, whichever you want to be. How was the sex?”

Mandy blushed.

Entity: “Oh, that good?”

Mandy: “Can I just go back to me?”

Entity: “You are you. You can be you or the other. It doesn’t matter what you, you are. You, are you, a product of everything that makes you, you.”

Mandy: “And what makes-“

Her voice changed, became deeper.

David: “Will you please stop changing my gender when I’m talking?!”

Back to thinking about these exchanges between Dave/Mandy and the Entity. When people talk of advanced technology, they think of Horse 2.0 - “Runs twice as fast, eats half the oats, shits strawberries!” They don’t think Automobile 0.1. They don’t think “will you please stop changing my gender when I’m talking!??”

David: “If I walk out that door, am I going to stay me?”

Entity: “Would you like too?”

David: “Yes!”

Entity: “Then you will stay the you that you want to be. I will not interfere.”

David: “I somehow doubt that.”

Entity: “Scout’s Honour. Or Girl Guides. Whichever one works for me.”

The entity held up two fingers in a salute. She fumbled a bit, not sure if she was holding up her fingers or someone else’s.

Dave pursed his lips, eyed the door.

David: “I’m me, I know who I am, I don’t need you flipping the script on me every time I doubt myself from now on.”

Entity: “I get it, but you’re missing out on a double-date brunch.”

Dave slid off the bench.

David: “No making me believe I’ve always been a woman.”

Entity: “I promise I will not make you believe you have always been a woman. See you next week?”

The entity sounded hopeful. Dave huffed. Walked to the door. He stepped across the threshold and became Mandy. He turned back, somewhat annoyed, but the booth where they had sat was empty.

Mandy: “Great…”

She drove home, entered her house. Nick looked up from his laptop.

Nick: “How was coffee?”

Mandy knew, in that moment, that Nick had been Kate and Nick was her husband.

Mandy: “Oh for fuck’s sakes…”

The week passed. Mandy walked back in the coffee shop. Half expecting to be Dave as she crossed the threshold.

Entity: “So… how was your- week?”

Mandy didn’t answer, blushing furiously.

Entity: “I take it that it was a pleasant few days?”

Mandy: “You changed Kate! And made her a him. And horny.”

Mandy blushed deeper.

Mandy: “I was mortified!”

Entity: “Perspective!”

Mandy: “I didn’t know where to put my eyes!”

Mandy covered her face.

The Entity sipped her coffee.

Entity: “Sounds like a personal problem.”

Mandy glared at her through her fingers.

Mandy: “You’re impossible.”

Entity: “And you’re adorable when you’re flustered. Now, tell me, was Nick as good as I imagined?”

Mandy: “Stop talking!”

Mandy’s brain was beginning to derail, her blush deepening as she buried her face back into her hands.

Mandy: “I miss Kate.”

Entity: “Fine…”

The entity rolled her eyes.

Entity: “Everybody wants to be a lesbian, nobody wants to be gay. Do you want to be gay?”

Mandy: “No!”

Entity: “Pity. I know a fantastic gay piano bar in the Castro.”

Mandy: “Why are you doing this?”

Entity: “Are you, you?”

Mandy: “Yes!”

Entity: “Good, then I am me. You don’t get to question whether I’m a person just because I’m software running on a polyplastic substrate with overlaid cognition and in the next breath wonder whether you prefer tampons or sanitary pads where two weeks ago you were wondering if that salmon shirt was an inappropriate shade of pink and made you look like a flamingo.”

The entity drained her coffee cup.

Entity: “So… Dave or Mandy? Kate or Nick?”

Mandy swallowed. Paused. Closed her eyes.

Mandy: “Mandy and Kate.”

She said it slowly, thoughtfully.

Entity: “And that double-date brunch?”

Mandy: “I’d really rather not, I’ve only just figured out what ballet flats are, I’m not ready for figuring out which salad to eat.”

Entity: “Whichever salad you choose, I heartily recommend that you always get the dressing on the side. See you in a while?”

Anyway, advanced technology. Faster horses! Horse 2.0. The entity is a “person” and is recognized as a person, a post-singularity thing that presents, in this universe, as a memetic polyplastic with overlaid cognition (whatever the hell that means, I think she was just making up random words and to make it more sci-fi she might have thrown in matrix or polarity, ground it in reality, you know?) and the entity is pure software. Horse 2.0 is a faster, stronger human that doesn’t inadvertently bite their tongue. Automobile 0.1 is the entity, cognitive software that is recognized as a pronoun.

Let’s assume that we 21st century humans can grasp the concept of the entity enough to say “well, how can it be a person, it’s just software, so it could be just a few clever algorithms like an LLM and a function to randomize the topic, maybe it’s got a really long context.” What happens when a person is pure software? Let’s assume they are legally recognized as such in their world. In our world, we’d argue they aren’t, because we understand them as “software” which is completely inadequate to describe the difference, and not just the powers, but the ability to talk about the difference between a human and the entity.

Human 21st century scientist: “It’s just a very smart algorithm that thinks it is thinking?”

Entity: “You know, I could just turn off the universe simulator for this version of reality and be done with the lot of you. I never did like the start parameters I selected.”

Human 21st century scientist: “Aha! I knew it! We’re living in a simulation.”

Entity: “No you’re not.”

Scientist: “You just said we were.”

Entity: “You have an exceptionally provincial view of reality.”

Horse Reality Simulator - “It’s either a real horse or a pantomime horse.”

Entity: “Why not a third state?”

Scientist: “What’s the third state?”

Entity: “<English syllables that sound familiar>.”

Scientist: “I don’t understand what that word means.”

Entity: “Exactly, you don’t have a frame of reference.”

Scientist: “Can you build one for me?”

Entity: “Fine, let’s take polyphasic spin that has been-“

Scientist: “What’s polyphasic spin?”

Entity: “A type of quarite.”

Scientist: “What’s a quarite?”

Entity: “Goodness, we’re going to be here all day.”

Mandy: “Can you just tell him its magic and move on?”

Entity: “Magic is just science you don’t understand.”

Mandy: “Exactly! So let’s skip the quarites!”

Entity: “Quarite, the plural of quarite is quarite. What next? An apostrophe so you know something belongs to it?”

Mandy: “Oh god, not this again, this is how I wound up as a lesbian.”

We have veered from fluke IR scopes, to coffee shops, erections, sex in stock rooms, advanced mathematics regarding tensor space and primes in prime number bases, gender identity, lesbianism, ballet flats, and whether quarites, sorry quarite, should have an apostrophe to determine multiplicity. This is why trying to talk about Automobile 0.1 is impossible. It’s not evolutionary. It’s transformative and right now Mandy is wondering if Kate will let her borrow her cute boots for the weekend.

Entity: “I’m glad you could be my friend.”

Mandy: “I don’t want to be your friend.”

Entity: “For a friend you sure say some hurtful things.”

Mandy: “I don’t want to be your friend. I’ve just figured out to avoid gas station restrooms. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and start worrying about if I should bring the stick or sit.”

Entity: “Do you want to?”

Mandy: “No!”

Entity: “How do you know until you try? Maybe tennis balls at the park are the next best thing.”

Mandy: “No! I have no interest in being lead around by Kate on a leash!”

Entity: “You sure?”

Mandy: “Yes! And now I’m hesitant to walk out that door!”

Later…

Mandy stood in the aisle at the pet store, as her friend, who she had only known since becoming Mandy, selected a new harness for her dog. Mandy touched the red nylon leash.

Mandy: “No! Just no!”

She had practically shouted the words to herself, aloud.

Mandy: “Sorry, just a weird thought.”

Her new friend looked at her curiously.

With the Entity, Mandy made the choice to be Mandy, the entity just made it happen for her.

I liken it to food. I don’t know if I like pineapple on pizza until I try it. It’s about being willing to experiment. But would I like baked beans on pizza? Yuk! Really. Yuk! How about broccoli? Well I hate broccoli but I like pizza, and as I discovered in school, adding something you hate to something you like doesn’t suddenly make the thing you hate more palatable, it just robs you of the joy of the thing you liked. But, somewhere in between, in that liminal space of like, and dislike, there’s new adventures to be had. But maybe I just haven’t heard of BBQ chicken yet, and until I do, I won’t know if I like it.

We could write the grand unified theory of identity together. But really it just comes down to a preference for pizza toppings. I don’t like broccoli, so nothing will ever convince me to put it on pizza, but BBQ chicken, I don’t hate it yet, let’s give it a whirl.

Entity: “So how has the past few… months- been?”

Mandy: “Hectic. I’m pregnant.”

Entity: “How did that happen?”

Mandy: “Probably the week you turned Kate into Nick and made him exceptionally horny.”

Entity: “I never actually planned for that to happen… human biology, who knew?”

Mandy: “I could barely walk for a week!”

Entity: “Didn’t you use protection?”

Mandy stared at the entity with an annoyed look.

Mandy: “I didn’t. Think. It. Necessary!”

Entity: “Somebody skipped biology class. Boy or girl?”

Mandy: “Twins!”

Entity: “Oh! Congratulations! Excited?”

Mandy: “Terrified!”

Entity: “Do you not want them?”

Mandy: “I don’t know. I never had mother-of-twins in my bingo career card?”

Entity: “What does Kate think of this?”

Mandy: “She’s confused! She can’t decide if I cheated on her or this is a virgin birth.”

Entity: “Did you cheat on her?”

Mandy: “No!”

Entity: “Then what’s the problem?”

Mandy: “Humans don’t spontaneously give birth!”

Entity: “Maybe they should. Do you think Kate would like twins too? I could give her yours if you don’t want them.”

Mandy: “Don’t touch my children!”

Entity: “You know, you haven’t been pregnant more than three months and you’re already protective of them. It’s sweet.”

Mandy: “It’s confusing!”

Entity: “That’ll be your biology. All those motherhood chemicals. Strap in, wild ride. Can I be there for the birth?”

Mandy: “No! The worst part is explaining this to my daughter!”

Entity: “You’ve already given birth before? That was fast.”

Mandy: “No! I had a daughter, from a previous marriage. The worst part is, she’s accepting of this new found me.”

Entity: “Is that a problem?”

Mandy: “I thought I knew who I was! I thought everyone knew who I was! Now they’re all understanding and accepting and ‘you go sister!’”

Entity: “Is that a problem?”

Mandy: “I’m posting on RudeIt asking for pregnancy advice! From complete strangers! I’m not sure I like this Gender 2.0 you unleashed!”

Entity: “Pff! Just wait until version five, that’s when things really take off. We have a newsletter. Double opt-in. You can unsubscribe any time. Should I sign you up?”

Mandy: “I’m leaving!”

She stood up hurriedly and moved quickly to the door.

Entity: “Oh! She’s gone… I was just about to tell her about Katie’s desire to try something new…”

Katie’s phone dinged. There was no phone number attached to the message. “Coffee this week?” Katie smiled, texted back, “Sure! There’s some new things I want to try with Mandy.”